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‘GIRD YOUR LOINS AND SLAP ON YOUR CHASTITY BELT
It tends to get a little dangerous when I muse. Buildings burn, bullets fly, unspeakable baddies come out to play, and gosh…love hurts–a lot. But, in the spirit of Nothing ventured. Nothing gained, Hazardous Idea #1: Give anti-advice–not what one should do, but what one should, categorically, absolutely, cup-your-precious-parts, NOT DO.Hazardous Idea #2: Why should I take all the blame? Why not let others chance their reps?And, so birthed the idea for a new blog series, ‘5 Things You Should Never Do…’ written by the intrepid, the daring, the oh-well-what’s-the-worst-that-can-happen incautious….otherwise known as Writerly Guests. And guess who was first to volunteer (no coercion necessary–much), Shehanne Moore, writer of historical romance in extremis, to share sound anti-advice related to her current project: VIKINGS. So handing over to her…..

5 Things You Should Never Do…With A VIKING

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Firstly I want to thank the amazing  Incy Black for (that tenner she sent me earlier)  asking me here today on her superb new blog feature. Five things not to do with a Viking.Sorry, maybe I should specify before you get too excited here, haul off your undies and otherwise start waving them,  it’s five things not to do with various things, people, whatever. You’ve got the Viking and you’ve got me because having been through pirates and hot Scots I thought let’s bring on the Vikings.  Sort of, anyway.So, having researched them for my present manuscript in the making, what five things do I suggest NEVER doing with a Viking? Well, maybe we should ask Malice, she’s only the poor, little heroine, who gets to spend a lot of time with them after all. Malice…kid,  or should I say,
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Owner of,
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What do yah think?What would you tell the Strictly Business galz in your employ, never to do with a Viking?
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I was lucky, I had the book…although having said that it was no real advantage once I was actually there, in Scandinavia with them. To do to them is one thing. The list there might be endless and include things like using their helmet as a cooking pot, or vying for their attention against other women on a longship. It’s not the best place. They rock…the longships that is… and well, let’s just say it really depends on how good a sailor you are. But if you’re not, it then depends on how nice a Viking they are.However this is categorically five things never to do with them. So, having been strengthened by my ordeal, the advice I would give my Strictly girls is….

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1  Never get in a kissing bout with them. Vikings are not only seriously over-sexed, they are also seriously good at dragging you upstairs. They may pretend this is only to annoy the hell out of their fiancées, let me tell you they are all of them, without exception, excellent liars, they are hot ones too, who really don’t care how much the bed creaks. In fact they want it to creak.

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2 Never share any kind of bed with them. If you are so unfortunate as to find yourself in this position through no fault of your own, do not, under any circumstances suggest any fancy moves to them, especially when they’ve had a few noggins of ale at their best buddy’s homestead. That is asking for absolute trouble. I won’t say how. Only that it might involve a slave’s collar and being sold. Just lie far away from them and face the wall in the hope they won’t notice you. That way you won’t be going to the slave market in the morning. 
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3 Sharing any kind of bath is also an absolute no no.
Again, this is a ploy on their part to pretend to make their fiancées jealous. They may even pretend that is the sole reason they are carrying  you in to their bathhouses. They may even pretend that you stink. Do not fall for this. Without fail they will then bar the door, make you take off all your clothes and refuse all offers to give you other ones.  They may even make you walk barefoot across a yard in their tunic.  So if one should throw you over his shoulder, you know where to kick him.  Don’t  think twice. Just do it. 
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4Under no circumstances should you ever have actual sex with them. They are not only notoriously hot and greedy, they don’t even care if they’ve just dragged you from the foaming waves. This plays havoc, not just with the cushion you may have stuck up your dress in a bid to make out you are pregnant, but it could ensure you are.  What is more you may have no idea where you are going to end up. The best thing if a Viking wants to have sex with you, is to pretend you are a walrus, or infuriate him, by cooking seaweed in his helmet. Alternatively you could just pretend to be asleep.  
5 Be shipwrecked with them. Especially not with an icy but hotly sexy one, with a ton of baggage. You just might fall in love and it could be very tricky.       

Extract…..completely unedited.

“Well, that depends.”

She was clutching the tunic fit to tear it. The best thing was to put it on the floor, then she could consider the door. “What on?”

“The thing is Malice, I may not be the kind of man to put a thrall’s collar around your neck.”

A what?

“But I don’t want you thinking of escaping.”

Oh really? She would see about that.

“You give me any more grief that way, you’ll  be beaten. Then, of course, there’s the fact I can kill you if I want. Or any of my family, or friends, can. They would have to pay me recompense of course. There’s a lot of them about in the yard right now. A lot of them about in all the neighbouring homesteads too. So…”

How nice of him to tell her. Was that why he’d let her face the door, to spell out his mastery of her? Why she heard him take a step towards her?

“…The rest of the clothes, Malice.”