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Yes. Having shockingly done the first, a gnome belonging to the terrifying Mountain Lord no less,  I now, by way of ahem…. reparation invite said handsome, gnomely, marvellously talented  and all round fabulous chap in a cap, Findle Nettlecrusher here to visit. findle

I am even postponing my planned post about local ships and local pirates,

capt_kiddyes that is Captain Kydd no less,  a post that, thanks to Lady Fury, is going to be offered in the same apologetic vein, till next blog. Just think of what you will lose sleep over. How much more you will enjoy meeting gnome Findle instead.

It is not every day one has a gnome on one’s blog now is it? Especially one, one has chucked through a window. Why, knowing what a lousy baker I am, he has even brought you a recipe.

Findle, please tell us a little about yourself.

 I was born and raised in Tibet. My mother, Wendlina, was a cook and my father, Findl (Snr), a shoemaker. conv

I had a happy early gnomehood, and at school it quickly became apparent that I had a gift for outdoor sports and dangerous activities. Unfortunately, I was expelled from my final year for jumping off the bell tower using the Principal’s wife’s bloomers as a parachute.


SO being chucked through a window would be small beer.

Well……..talking such things as that, about fifty years ago I was abducted by the Mountain Lord and taken to his fortress in the Karkonose Mountains. I enjoy living and working there, although I feel the Mountain Lord is getting increasingly stingy with our ale allowance as the years go by.

My job at the Citadel is to arrange outdoor pursuits and help show guests around. I occasionally do evening work as a stripper (and gigolo) in an exotic dance troop known as ‘The Dream Gnomes’.


 I am proving popular with the ladies and on occasion they have used me as a conduit of pleasure. I am still recovering from a recent encounter with Lady Fury, who ravished me to the point of near death.

She was probably trying to conceive the Beaumont heir at the time, though I never saw your name on the list of contenders.  Please tell us a little about the importance of gnomes to more than gardens?

I have no idea where all this garden gnome nonsense started if I’m honest.  Rumour has it that a few hundred years ago my old friend, Grundl Wibblesnapper, was so smitten by the taste of a lady’s cakes (Certainly not mine Findle) that he hid in her garden to try and steal one. But – she saw him. At least she thinks she saw him. He certainly looks nothing like one of those silly garden ornaments, however.


 I concede they do seem more plasticy. And of course, there is the biz of fishing rods and things…. What about yourself Findle?   You have a lovely wife?

Alas, I am still single. I had a long-term relationship about one hundred and fifty years ago, but it sadly petered out.  She moved to New England on a gnome exchange scheme, and I never heard from her again.  Now, I am a gnome-about-town and quite content to sleep wherever I leave my pointy hat.conv

 Well. What about a favorite TV program?

That’s easy. Gnome and Away.

This village you live in sounds fascinating. Are you able to tell us a little about the Mountain Lord himself?

Lord John is a very complex and fascinating person. Actually, you couldn’t really call him a person, as he has been around for far longer than any person (or me, for that matter).  The local people know him as The Mountain Lord and throughout the ages he has been called various other names, for example Rübezahl, which has something to do with a dreadful turnip counting curse. Anyway, he can be charming and generous, or spiteful and nasty. He is able to control the weather and his character is just as changeable.  Despite his faults, I am very fond of him.

Do you have a favorite villager?

Hmm, good question. Old Man Wenceslas is very interesting indeed, and he is said to brew the strongest hooch this side of the Himalayas. I had a fascinating evening with Madam Winklepummel about six nights ago, so I’d say she is probably my favourite right now.imagesCAUJ9Z99

Yes…well… We won’t ask too much about that Findle, here we are very fond of baking. Can you share a favorite recipe?

 Grandma Gimblina’s Yak Soup

  • 5 kg of ground yak
  • 3 large onions
  • 2 turnips (diced)
  • 2kg carrots (julienne style)
  • 3kg potatoes (cubed)
  • 1 tablespoon salt
  • I tablespoon pepper
  • 2 tablespoons cumin
  • 2 tablespoons gnome spice
  • 3 tablespoons chilli powder (extra hot)
  • 5 spoons cooking oil

 Fry the yak with onions and add water. Gradually place vegetables in the pot and add spices. Simmer on low heat for 2 weeks (or until the yak is edible – perhaps 3 weeks).

Bon Appetit!

 I am sure our readers will be rushing to make that. Finally, do you have a favorite book?

Well, until recently it was The Chaosifier by Mike Evers, which features some of my friends and colleagues at the Citadel.

However, at the moment there is an almighty buzz at the Citadel about Mike’s new book. It is a collection of three stories and is called The Hopfield Tales.  Anyway, it is due out on Thursday June 20th 2013. You can read more about it on this blog: View from the Citadel 


 Also, to celebrate this auspicious event, you will be able to download The Chaosifier on Kindle for FREE from Friday June 21st to Tuesday June 25th.Chaosifier_-_Free_June_2013 (2)


The Chaosifier – Amazon USA

The Chaosifier – Amazon UK

 Thank you and gnome salutations to you all!